People Pleasing; An Invitation to Faith Over Fear

For a while, I had a “people-pleasing” dog. For the first few years of her life, when she learned that her behavior caused a negative reaction, she simply would not repeat it. Over time however, she grew  comfortable with us and now in year 8 of her life, I’m quite certain she has completely recovered from her people pleasing ways.

I am not too different from her, on one hand I’m desperate to be pleasing to others but also in my complacency and trust of others, I can grow so comfortable and sure of my relationship that I am no longer on my best behavior. I know that if and when I mess up I will be received with grace and remain in good standing.

Sometimes as people pleasers, we grow to love the idea of being in “good standing”

with others so much that unknowingly we become addicted to the feelings that come with

acceptance and praise that we will do anything to keep those pats on the back coming. It

isn’t just praise and acceptance that motivates us but fear that becomes the driving force behind

our behavior.

The story of Aaron and the golden calf in Exodus 32 serves as a reminder for believers when it

comes to the lengths that we will go to avoid feeling uncomfortable in the crowd, how fragile our

conviction can be and the price we may pay for giving in.

People Pleasing can be impulsive

Interestingly in the narrative, the instant that the people told Aaron that they needed something

he hopped to it. It wasn’t just anything, it was an idol. Aaron’s automatic response was to give

the people what they wanted. My guess is that Aaron had a long-time habit of keeping the

peace and probably felt a little discouraged himself which is a recipe for a quick decision that

will make the most people “happy.”

Fear

Aaron was quickly consumed by the fear of losing control (Ex. 32:22).

Other common fears that we face and Aaron likely faced are-

Fear of rejection- As a leader, he needed the people to be “happy.”

Fear of abandonment- where was Moses anyway?

Fear of criticism- Aaron was quick to justify his actions before Moses, and he gave the people

what they wanted to avoid criticism (judgment)

If you are often faced with an overwhelming need to be in good standing with the people around

you, you can probably easily add to this list of fears that motivate you to manage the emotions of

others, and you might even risk it all to do so.

Distance from God creates weakness

The Israelites had been physically apart from their leader and seemingly this made them feel

distanced from God. Moses beckoned them to know God and the more space they had between them 

and God left more space for seeds of doubt and fear to grow.

Sound familiar? The distance between us and our savior leaves space in our lives to easily

forget what the Lord has done for us. After all, the Israelites had just experienced miracles from

God but in just a little over a month they were scrambling for a new god that could offer them

some hope.

Our time and proximity to the Lord is precious. We know that if we draw near to him He will draw

near to us and his nearness brings courage (James 4:8).

Examine your heart

“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith (2 Cor. 13:5).”

In taking the time to truly examine our hearts we may uncover the fears that plague us. With our fears 

realized, we can combat those fears with truth from God and an otherwise split-second decision to 

preserve ourselves can transform into a meaningful experience where we bring God glory and enjoy our 

 peace and security in Him.

Catherine Griffin
LPC associate

Made for God’s Glory

Who are you? How are you made? How are you being made? Those questions rattle in our brains throughout life, sometimes in the open and sometimes in deep subterranean portions of our consciousnesses, because it is true that we are created human beings and because God has as his largest project to get us to see his glory.

Second century bishop of Lyons, Irenaeus wrote that man fully alive is the glory of God. Man was created by God and is informed, shaped, and led by God to be all that he was created to be. Us living out of that forming and shaping is God’s glory because it shows the character of God. Because we were made dependent, we show the sufficiency of God. Because we were made vulnerable and weak, we show the kindness and goodness of God as he provides and heals. Because we were made with a will and because we use that will to move away from God as good as he is, we show the forgiveness and mercy of God.

And notice to whom we show these things – to each other. What I see about God and how I interact with him shows you about God. We were made as conduits. God accomplishes work through us by working in our spirits.1

So, if I was made to receive and depend where do my efforts at good deeds fit in? Surely doing good is good, right? But also doing good is not something I can do to earn good standing, at least good standing with God. He has loved us with an everlasting love2, one not influenced by my good or bad deeds. The blood of Christ Jesus is totally sufficient.3 I do not need to gain approval from God by working hard.

Our world, on the other hand, works that way with promotions and raises and entrepreneurial success coming after hard work. And often in our churches we work to gain the approval and satisfaction of other people around us. (Haven’t you helped put away the chairs because so-and-so was watching? Haven’t you volunteered for the nursery because you wanted to be seen as giving?) But in God’s economy we don’t earn favor from him. He gives it. That is grace. Our works should flow from, and be a response to that grace.

In fact, I have wondered if putting away those chairs and serving in the nursery to gain the approval of onlookers may actually get in the way of my doing something I was made to do the doesn’t usually get praise from onlookers. If I was made by God to be a good listener, sitting patiently with people as they talk abut their struggles (an activity done in private conversations not noticed by the crowd), but I chose to spend my time and tire myself, busy with more visible activities, I have not lived fully alive the way God created me to be in that moment.

And if I am the nursery worker recruiter and I twist your arm appealing to your desire to be seen as giving and hard working, I have just helped you turn your back on what God is calling you to do. I have just helped you sin. The Pharisees of Jesus’ day were experts at this kind of God-ignoring do gooding. Jesus said that their “good” deeds were for show and didn’t depend on God. He exhorted us to depend on God based on seeing that he does provide. Good deeds that come from that basis don’t need to be seen to be good.4

And my doing good to get your praise tempts you away from depending on and rightly seeing God. The glory of God that Irenaeus wrote of is displayed in the human that acts like he was made to be. You have probably heard a parent tell a child, “We don’t act like that.” The implied message is that who you are informs what you do. Who we are is connected to who God is. If I live out of something other than how I was created, I show a distorted picture of my creator and director. When I depend on my own efforts to make my way and gain my value, I say that I am not dependent and God is not necessary or dependable. I also say that you are able to set my value, to give me the needed good valuation. That teaches you to do the work of God in a usurping way.

Oh, that we would know who created us and how he created us! To live with that wisdom would be being fully alive.

1 Having the Mind of Christ, Sternke and Tebbe. 2 Jeremiah 31:3 3 Hebrews 7:25 4 Matthew 6:1-2, 8 

- Dr. Joey Degraffenreid
Advisory Council Member

What can I give the Lord when I have nothing left?

What can I give the Lord when I have nothing left?

I grew up in a tradition that observed the season of Lent.  Every year as a young person we were encouraged to sacrifice something in order to honor the sacrifice of Jesus’ death on the cross and to help us as believers to focus on the Lord as we prepared for Easter.  I believe there are a vast number of ways that Lent is used and observed, but as a young person this is what I understood it to be.

My most memorable “sacrifice” was soda. I remember because I was in the sixth grade and after my 40 days of soda sobriety, I can honestly say I have never consumed a soda since!  I developed an aversion to carbonation and sugar and the rest is history.  There were other years when I gave up chocolate and I believed I truly suffered for the Lord.  I repeated that one several times because it required a lot of discipline and if I’m honest I felt very accomplished when it was all said and done.

Over time my relationship with Lent has changed. My life feels more complicated than soda and chocolate or even social media or TV. I find myself approaching the season of Lent exhausted and weary. Carrying the load of wife, mother, professional, neighbor, teacher, leader, daughter, sister and friend.  For weeks, with Lent on the Horizon, I prayed and asked myself, what else could I possibly give to the Lord when I feel like an empty vessel?

The truth, in my time of reflection is, everything! I can give the Lord absolutely everything.

“And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him (Col. 3:17).”

There is nothing that I do that is done apart from God. As I scramble to try to find some special thing I can give the Lord I realize that as his perfectly loved creation he simply wants me.

So, I will be offering everything to the Lord this season as I prepare for Easter.

I’m bringing him my worries, my time, my treasures, my family, my future, my finances, my thought life, my temper, my attitude, just my whole self. I will seek that my words and actions however mundane or extraordinary will bring Him glory.  We don’t need to add anything to the list, we are the list.

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship (Roman 12:1).”   

So, there it is. I will also thank the Lord for chocolate this Lent season, everyone else can have soda! I will also lay my life before Him as my best gift, in awe of the perfect gift He as provided you and me through Jesus.  

- Catharine G.

A Case of the “Mondays”

I have a lot of group meetings. The topics vary but the timing and structures are generally the same: until that one meeting. One of my larger groups had an entire meeting of unscheduled, deep, vulnerable “here is where I am” conversations. I shared my “red map dot” was sitting at a scenic outlook on a beautiful mountain peak where the sun was shining and the air was clear with perfect ambient temperatures. And I was thankful for these moments of happiness, peace, and clear skies, because I know the only constant thing in life is change.

The next week, I encountered a Monday. It was like my car had come out of gear and rolled out of the scenic outlook; tumbling down the mountain backwards with some roll-overs at the switchbacks. I woke up to a child needing me to come to the rescue, when I needed to be somewhere else. Dealing with that threw me out of my regular routine, and I forgot to grab my breakfast on the way out to door. I stopped to pick some up - making time really tight. A fellow driver on the highway nearly rear-ended a car in front of them, and in avoidance, swerved into my immediate path. The stress of being in a time crunch, the adrenaline of a near-miss on the road, and having to make an unplanned stop exacerbated my movement disorder making the “we’re out of large cups” at the breakfast stop hazardous to my khaki pants. Then the event I was trying to get to canceled at the very last minute, causing disappointment and aggravation to the vendors, and creating another series of intense moments. And that was all before 10 a.m.

At the end of that very long Monday, I was reflecting on my day - and the comedy of errors that it contained. God pointed out how much living from a place of submission to His plans had changed my outlook. A few years ago, I would have reacted to the first situation with irritation, and the selfish belief that my plans were more important than the emergent moment - and would have damaged that relationship. That irritation would have influenced the next moment, spiraling to the next and the next and the next - and I would have ended the day in a seething, angry tangle of emotion finding offense in every moment and leaving a wake of hurt behind me.  That lack of control - the “I planned it this way and it should happen as it was planned” would have destroyed so many relationships. Was I put out by the inconvenience of change? Yes. Did it ruin anything? No. Instead, I was able to SEE the peace that God brought me in those moments and how far I’ve come by looking in the rearview.

While I love spending time in the scenic outlook moments, I have learned to treasure the “Mondays”. 

Jennifer Dickey, MS
Assistant Director, Thrive!